In Sickness and Health?

With the death of former President Ronald Reagan today, who spent the last ten years of his life with Alzheimer's, I got to thinking of those in conventional marriages where one partner is unexpectedly incapacitated by a permanent disability, be it physical, mental, emotional, or a combination thereof. I thought of how uncomprimising expectations of physical fidelity in the context of a marriage where normal sexual relations are no longer possible and/or practical could put unreasonable and unnecessary stress on what was previously a good relationship.

Almost always, when one spouse can no longer have sex because of illness, injury, or some other form of disability, the healthy spouse is expected to give up sex as well, and, at best, be satisfied with no more than "cuddling" from then on, regardless of their age. Very little, if any, acknowledgement is given to the fact that the healthy spouse's physical needs simply do not magically vanish or are easily rechanneled into non sexual outlets. A healthy spouse who decides to get those needs met elsewhere, however discreetly, and however they may love and care for their disabled spouse otherwise, is usually soundly condemned for doing so.

The usual reason given for passing this judgement is that one should simply put their sexual needs aside indefinitely because of love. But love goes both ways. I've heard of couples where, out of love, the disabled partner gives tacit permission to their spouse to get these needs met elsewhere, secure in the fact that emotional fidelity does not necessarily require strict physical fidelity as well.

Some people might think this view as being cold, but I'd rather think that separating sex from love, especially in these circumstances, is a more workable and realistic solution. Though aware that most people are not geared for a completely unrestrained libertine lifetstyle, I also know that totally inflexible monogamy doesn't work well for many others. Surely, there should also be room along a continuum for various gradations of emotional and/or physical fidelity, depending on people's individual needs and circumstances.

Food for thought.