Questions and Answers, II

My blog entry “Libertine vs. Sex Addict” (8-30), was recently quoted on the Kiss N Tell Confessions blog.

http://kntconfessions.blog-city.com/read/835525.htm

My entry spoke to issues going on in that blogger’s life, and it served to generate more questions for her. I’ll try to briefly answer the questions she posed:

I still have some questions: Is it easier to be a male libertine? Does our society judge women's sexual decisions harsher than men's?

Though it is probably now easier for women to be open libertines than any other time in history, the double standard still tenaciously persists. Even the feminist movement has had mixed feelings when it comes to the idea of sexual freedom.

The roots of the double standard go back a very long time and are probably related to the establishment of monogamy, which has always been enforced more strictly on women than men.

Monogamy arose around the same time as the establishment of private property and the practice of inheritance. With the establishment of inheritance in a patriarchal society where inheritance passed from father to son, the sure knowledge that a man’s children were indeed his biologically became of the utmost importance. And the only way men could know this with any certainty was to limit the sexual expression of women. The strict adherence to monogamy wasn’t as important for men because women always know which children are theirs and because women didn’t have any property rights

Of course, nowadays, we have DNA testing available, which makes this concern a moot point. Old attitudes die hard, however, especially considering that the original reasons for monogamy have been shrouded by mythology which arose to bolster its enforcement, with one of the main supports being that of religion.

Also, up until the last century and the advent of reliable forms of birth control, most women typically spent much of their adult lives being the primary caretakers for large families, which left them little time to pursue extracurricular sexual interests or earn their own money, which would have afforded them independence to live as they pleased. Nowadays, women have fewer children, or none at all, and most also earn a living, but again, attitudes haven’t kept up with reality.

Is it expected that men will be promiscuous, and "wrong" for women to be the same way?

I don’t know whether men are expected to be promiscuous, but there is certainly more understanding when a man is not strictly monogamous. There’s a lot of sly winking about a man who gets around and has many lovers; he’s a “ladies’ man”, a tomcat, a stud. “Boys will be boys” and all that.

Unfortunately, there really aren’t many positive words for a female libertine; rather, she is referred to as a “slut”, “tramp”, etc. However, much in the same way that gay activists claimed the word “queer” and size activists have claimed the word “fat”, female libertines have claimed the word “slut” as a label of pride and turned the original meaning on its head.

Is it expected that at a certain age, no matter what your sex, you get over your "wild side" and fall into monogamy?

Yes, even men are expected to eventually cease sowing their wild oats, as if libertinism is just a phase and not an integral part of oneself. By around age thirty or so, give a take a few years, there is a mainly unspoken expectation that a man will “settle down” into a steady career, get married, and have a family. Of course, this expectation isn’t as relentless as it’s always been for women, but the attitude that a bachelor isn’t quite as mature and responsible as the “family man” still lingers.

I raised my son alone from about a year old until adulthood. It was suggested to me several times, both subtly and blatantly, that I “ought” to get married in order to provide him with a mother, and that I was “selfish” for not doing so!

In closing, though the double standard still remains, attitudes have been and will continue to change, however slowly, in order to match the realities of modern life. Monogamy will no doubt continue to be predominant, but a tolerance for alternative sexual expressions will be a growing trend as well.