Jack of All Trades?

When I was on the police force, it always amazed me how many people thought that the police could and should do anything as part of their job to serve the public.

I remember one time being sent on a call to see a woman about an “unknown problem”. This essentially meant that the dispatcher couldn’t understand what the hell she was talking about on the phone. When I got there, a middle-aged woman was on her porch waiting as I drove up. After I asked what the problem was, she proceeded to tell me all her medical symptoms in great detail. She then asked what she should do about it. I told her I was sorry she didn’t feel well, but that she should have called the doctor, instead of the police, as we weren’t qualified to assist in such matters. What I wanted to say was, “Sure, lady, police officers make fine doctors. Why waste eight years in medical school when you can learn all you need to practice medicine in eight weeks at the police academy!”

Another time, a dispatcher told me about a woman who’d called 911 wanting her to send an officer out to her house to fix her brakes. Did I forget to mention that they think we get a course in auto mechanics at the academy, too?

One day while working the desk, I got a call from a woman who asked whether she should let her 14 year old daughter go to the prom with a 18 year old boy. Later that afternoon, someone else called to ask me to tell his kid the capitals of all fifty states, as the kid needed to know for a test the next day. Ditto on the courses in child psychology and teaching.

And one night when I was getting ready to go home after a busy, stressful shift, a woman with a suitcase met me going out the door to my car. She demanded that I give her a ride to the state capital, two hours away. This time, I said exactly what popped into my mind. “Look, lady, our uniforms may look like Greyhound bus driver uniforms, but when you leave the driving to us, there’s only one destination, and that’s the city jail!” With that, I continued on my way to the car, not giving a shit what she thought.

It’s too bad we didn’t get paid for all those other jobs we were expected to perform.