During my years on the police force, some of the funniest stories came out of the breathalyzer room. Many times, I thought it was too bad we couldn’t have videotaped some of the BA tests we ran on suspected drunk drivers. Not only would we have gotten a higher conviction rate, we also could have submitted the tapes to America’s Funniest Home Videos with a good chance of winning first prize!
It seemed as if most people who took the test parked their dignity outside the jail door before submitting to it. It never failed to amaze me how some people acted, having totally lost their inhibitions while under the influence.
One time we’d brought in a woman in her early sixties, who was an obvious sloppy drunk. Before starting the test, she’d been advised of her rights and asked if she needed to use the rest room, because once the test had begun, she would not get another opportunity until the approximately twenty minute test was completed. She said she didn’t have to go, so the breathalyzer operator began the test. About halfway through, she loudly announced that she had to use the bathroom…RIGHT NOW!
The BA operator explained to her that she’d have to wait until the test was through before she could go. For a breathalyzer test to be considered valid in court, it could not be interrupted once it had begun. The woman didn’t care about any of this, she just kept saying, “I gotta go!” over and over again.
Finally, realizing that we weren’t going to let her use the ladies’ room, she stood up, dropped her pants, lowered her ass to the trash can, and took a crap! It didn’t bother her in the slightest that there were three male cops young enough to be her sons standing there.
Another time, the county BA machine was down, so they brought one of their arrestees in to use our machine. This was a young woman, also obviously wasted. She asked questions at every step of the test, looking at the machine distastefully. Finally, she said that she didn’t want to blow into the machine because she was afraid she’d get AIDS off the tube, as she had no idea what kind of people had blown into it previously. This was even after we’d explained that a new plastic mouthpiece was used for each person, then discarded after the test.
When she’d first announced why she didn’t want to take the test, we all fell all over ourselves laughing. Why, you might ask…
The county officer had picked her up leaving a truck stop parking lot, out by the interstate. In the police car on the way to the jail, she’d told him that she’d been trying to sell her body for gas money at the truck stop, but no one wanted any of what she had to offer. She’d been leaving the truck stop in disgust when the deputy stopped her.
She was worried about getting AIDS from a BA machine, but wasn’t the least bit concerned about getting it from a trucker by the interstate!
One time, I brought in a woman who kept pointing to me, saying, “He don’t give a fuck, he don’t give a fuck!” The jailer raised one eyebrow at her and said, “That’s right! He charges for them!” That was the one and only time I ever saw anyone shut a drunk up.
We had a cop who was 6-10 who’d brought in a guy who stood up in the middle of the test, jumped up and down several times, waving his hands, saying, “I gotta piss! I gotta piss! I gotta piss!” The tall cop looked down, then imitated him, jumping up and down, saying, “You gotta wait! You gotta wait! You gotta wait!”
Another time, an elderly man was brought in who kept telling the arresting officer, “You’re a first class, 14 karat, shit-ass”, over and over. Finally, the officer looked at him and said, with a deadpan expression. “That’s right. I always aim to be the best at whatever I do!”
Never a dull moment….
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