Anger, Jealousy, and Nonmonogamy

Anger and jealousy are both considered to be negative emotions, especially when allowed to be expressed in an uncontrolled, unrestrained manner.

In our society, the problem of handling anger in a mature fashion is taken quite seriously. Anger management counseling abounds, teaching people to express it in a constructive, controlled fashion, especially in the context of intimate relationships. It is rightly believed that despite anger being a natural emotion that should not be ignored or denied, that simply giving uncontrolled free reign to it is neither mature nor constructive. "Rage-aholics", especially when they allow their anger to turn into abuse, are seen as maladjusted people, in need of psychological help. Most people believe that anger, though normal and natural, can and should be controlled.

Jealousy, however, is a whole 'nother ball game for many people. It, too, is seen largely as a negative emotion, but many people respond to it by throwing up their hands, taking the attitude that it is natural, therefore uncontrollable.

Never is this attitude more prevalent when it comes to the idea of people living open, intentionally nonmonogamous lives, be it polyamory, swinging, or libertinism. The view taken is that nonmonogamous relationships are ultimately doomed to failure because of jealousy; that it's "hard-wired" into us and it's completely futile to try to control it.

I'm inherently suspicious of any argument about any aspect of humanity that is said to be "hard-wired"; mostly, I see this approach as being a cop-out. First of all, compared to other animals, humans have few instincts. We were given sentient brains to reason with, instead of a long list of instincts to control our behavior. Humans have an instinctual need to eat, mate, and to reproduce -- essentially, to survive in the short and the long run. Beyond that, there are some tendencies that have evolved over the millennia that relate directly or indirectly to the main drive to survive, that have been become so ingrained as to seem to be innate.

But we should never confuse what is customary, or even natural, with what is constructive and useful -- or changeable. We also should remember what might have been useful in an earlier era might be maladaptive in today's society, and to take a "that's the way we've always done it" approach might well be cutting off our noses to spite our faces. Human beings are amazingly malleable and there is much about us which seems innate, but is rather changeable or at least able to be controlled and mitigated.

When considering nonmonogamous relationships, I've seen observers react with disbelief when confronted with the idea that those involved have learned to handle jealousy in a mature fashion, as if there is actually something wrong if a person does not pitch a fit when confronted by a potentially jealousy-causing situation.

But there's a description in that article of a woman returning home to find her boyfriend in the bathtub with another woman -- and thinking nothing of it -- that gave me pause. It made me wonder why these people are together to begin with. This woman's impassive response to what for most people would warrant a dish-throwing blowout makes me wonder what emotions could have surfaced under even slightly different circumstances. -- Dan Cronin, "The New Monogamy"

In other words, it bothered this man that someone had handled this matter in an adult fashion, instead of having a tantrum about it! I'd doubt he'd have reacted in the same fashion if the issue had been that of anger in a monogamous relationship.

Others take the view that because nonmonogamous relationships are not always easy and trouble-free, that they're not worth bothering with at all. Again, this kind of attitude seems to be unique to the idea of nonmonogamous relationships. Can you imagine these same people saying, "Studying medicine is hard and going to college for eight years will make your life difficult, so you're better off not even trying!"

Considering that traditional monogamous marriages are not exactly trouble-free, with sixty percent of men and forty percent of women straying from their vows and half of all marriages ending in divorce, this attitude is particularly laughable. These statistics have not deterred most people from entering into legal, monogamous marriages, as they rightly believe that something worth having is worth working for and is rarely an easy, trouble-free thing.

And the same is true for nonmonogamous relationships of all kinds. Granted, such relationships aren't for everyone. One must enter these kinds of nontraditional lifestyles with eyes wide open and a great deal of maturity.

Nonmonogamous people don't deny that jealousy can exist and can be a real problem. The difference is that we view jealousy as we view anger, as something that can be controlled and mitigated; we don't just throw up our hands, give up, and give in to it.

If society as a whole started dealing with jealousy as it deals with anger, we'd all be better off, both the monogamous and the nonmonogamous.

Thoughts?