In order to be a good Republican, you must believe:
1. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
2. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
3. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority should continue to be enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
5. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
6. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle and berate our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
7. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
8. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
9. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
10. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
11. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.