While reading posts on a message board about nonmonogamy, I came upon a thread debating the difference between polyamory and swinging. One poster defined swinging as being only about the sex and polyamory as being more centered on the love aspect. I considered what category I might fall into, and I came to the conclusion that I don't fit neatly into either one of them, but rather somewhere in the middle.
Swinging generally involves legally married couples who are emotionally committed to one another exclusively, but engage in outside sexual experiences together as a couple. Many times they belong to swing clubs and often their outside couplings involve group sex. At such planned gatherings for "playcouples" (gag!), there tend to be rather strict guidelines on what is permissible in the pursuit of extracurricular pleasure.
No thanks. "Organized adultery" kind of takes all the fun out of it for me. Though I appreciate the aspect of honesty in that one is doing this with the full knowledge and approval of their primary mate, I can't quite think of it as a "togetherness activity" to be shared with other couples like bowling. I've done the group sex thing, having attended an orgy or two over the years, but I find I enjoy it better when I do it one at a time -- even if it's one in the morning and another in the afternoon.
Polyamory, on the other hand, puts the emphasis on love, rightly pointing out that we can love more than one person at a time. However, polyamory also indicates a high level of commitment and is quite similar to monogamous marriage, only with more than two people. I think it's a great idea, especially for bisexuals, as it makes provision for them to have at least one committed relationship with each of their sexual preferences concurrently.
What about those with children? Because swingers strictly compartmentalize their emotional and sexual lives, the children of swingers tend to experience family life much like children with monogamous parents, and will probably grow up with the same kinds of attitudes toward sex and relationships, as most swingers never inform their children about that part of their lives. Polyamory, on the other hand, is a 24/7 lifestyle, it's how they love and live, not just how they have sex. Children brought up in polyamorous families cannot help but know that their parents are non-traditional, as all partners in such relationships tend to live together in an extended family relationship, though not always. As for myself, I have one adult son, whom I raised alone from the age of eight months, with help from my parents. Interestingly enough, he desires to have a monogamous relationship when he gets married, despite the fact that I did little to hide my libertinism from him over the years. Go figure......
Where do I fit into all of this? I do not believe in "informing the government" (legal marriage) of my private personal relationships, so I am what most conventional folks would call "single", hence that would make me unwelcome at swingers' events. And I'm sure it wouldn't help me be any more welcome to consider that the term "swinging" itself makes me roll my eyes -- I cannot get past the mental picture of monkeys in trees. And though, like swingers, I'm able to neatly separate sex from love, I do not limit love to one partner, while I merely screw everyone else. I have a regular relationship with someone who is in an outwardly traditional monogamous marriage, but I have other sexual outlets of various emotional types, ranging from rather intense to very casual. Though I'm friends to all of them, the balance tends to fall more on the sex side than the love side, which would tend to annoy many polyamorists. I'm sure they would feel that I'm not setting a good example to society at large because I don't love each and every one of them in an equally committed manner. However, I am honest with all new partners, informing them that I am a libertine and that monogamy will never enter the picture, no matter how I might come to love them. If they are willing to accept that, it proceeds from there, if they are not, no harm done.
I am neither a swinger, nor a polyamorist. I am a libertine.
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