Bless This Mess

I am not a good housekeeper. I was a messy kid, and now I’m a messy adult. I keep house like Oscar Madison from "The Odd Couple".

I’ve got clothes lying around, books stacked up everywhere, dust on the furniture. I don’t have dust bunnies under the bed; I’ve got dust kangaroos, along with socks, books, and pizza bones, among other things.

Both my mother and aunt had relaxed attitudes toward housekeeping, so I didn’t grow up in an excessively orderly home. The essentials got done, but my mother wasn’t drill sergeant anal about it, and our homes, though clean, were on the cluttered side.

And because I’ve not been married nor had live ins for much of my adult life, I’ve continued on in my slovenly ways unhindered.

I’ve found that I tolerate squalor quite well. When I come home from working a long day, the last thing I want to do is housework. I’ve spent eight or more hours doing stuff I don’t want to do, so when I get home, I’ll be damned if I’ll spend the rest of my waking hours doing more stuff I don’t want to do, and not even get paid for it.

I’ve got a few tricks to avoid making unnecessary messes. First of all, I do not cook anything from scratch. I never was interested in cooking to begin with, so cutting out cooking hasn’t been much of a hardship. In reality, I could live happily in a house without a kitchen, having only a microwave and a refrigerator.

Secondly, I avoid dirtying dishes that have to be washed. I’m a big believer in paper plates and plastic utensils. When I use real dishes, I sometimes cover the plate entirely with tinfoil before putting food on it. That way, when I’m done eating, I take the dirty tinfoil off and throw it away, with the plate underneath still being clean. When I eat a frozen pizza, I use the box it came in as a plate, throwing it all away when I’m done. I drink soda straight from the can, and if I have bottled drinks, I get one for my son and another for myself and we each drink from the original container.

In the bedroom, I never make the bed, as it’s one of the most useless activities I can think of. If I bring someone into the bedroom, we’d be tearing it up anyway. And when I go in there to sleep, I don’t like the sheets and blankets all tucked in; it’s like getting into an envelope to sleep. Plus, I never go to bed dirty, which helps sheets stay fresher longer.

One thing I’m careful to do, however, is to hang towels up directly after use, as it’s easier to pick them up now than to have a sodden towel that must be washed after only one use.

Laundry. I have to use a Laundromat, so washing clothes is a major pain. Most of my clothes are black or a dark color, and I don’t own a single article of white clothing, not even socks or underwear. So, I don’t have to worry about separating it before washing. I also don’t own any clothing that needs ironing -- I don’t own an iron, nor do I know how to iron, nor do I want to learn. I take my clothes to the Laundromat in a big garbage bag and when they’ve finished washing and drying, I just dump them back in there, the hell with folding them. I generally leave them in the bag and pull clothes out as I need them.

In most of the cars I’ve had, except for this latest one, I’ve driven what amounts to a rolling dumpster. I will not throw trash out the window, and when I get to my destination, I usually don’t think of getting the trash out or I’m in a hurry, so in fairly short order, the detritus on the floorboards accumulates. I’ve been better with the car I have now, though, as it’s the nicest one I’ve ever had.

My aunt had a plaque in her kitchen that said, “Bless This Mess”. My own motto toward housekeeping is quite similar:

“If it doesn’t stink, and it doesn’t crawl, don’t worry about it!”

Works for me.