Friday, December 7, 2007


While visiting a blog, I clicked a link to another blog entitled, "How to Tell If a Guy is a Jerk". I read further and the blogger defined a "jerk" as:

"For this site a "jerk," is: a man who is not a good prospect for a long term, committed, emotionally mature, healthy, and loving relationship. While it is absolutely true that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes, there are some men less cut out for a healthy relationship than others. This site is about recognizing them and finding the great men that are available for a mature partnership!"

Whoa. While I fully accept that I'm not a good prospect for a long term monogamous relationship, I don't accept that this makes me a "jerk". I especially resent this label because I'm honest and straightforward about what I want out of my relationships and I'm not trying to deceive anyone to believe otherwise.

Nor do I accept that all "healthy" and "mature" relationships MUST be a long term, committed monogamous relationship, without exception. Healthy and mature relationships take various forms and it's things such as honesty, consensuality, lack of abuse, and so on that make them so.

She also assumes that every woman wants or should want nothing else but a long term monogamous relationship. While this is indeed true for most women, it's not true of all women, as some women aren't cut out for that type of relationship any more than some men are.

And while there's nothing wrong with a blog that gives tips on how to find men who want monogamous relationships, there's no need to denigrate those of us who don't. In one entry, she refers to the belief in having sexual variety as "denigrating to women, it is degrading to men, and it is completely antithetical to a healthy and happy intimate relationship."

Bullshit. I'd not have a problem with her if she'd said that sexual variety wasn't her cup of tea; that she preferred monogamous relationships because they work better for her. I'd not have had any objections to that at all because it would have fallen under the "different strokes for different folks" principle.

Referring to the libertine male, she also said: "There are reasons why some men don't want a life-time partner. It has to do with their ancient ancestor's sexual strategy. These male stone age ancestors preferred being a sperm donor rather than investing in offspring. These sorts of guys just haven't evolved to a place where they care and respect women, or desire the beauty that comes from a long term relationship."

Again, this is full of crap. She assumes too much when she refers to nonmonogamous men as being not sufficiently "evolved" and erroneously states that such men cannot care about or respect women. And she is short-sighted to believe that "beauty" in a relationship can only come in one form and that form must be the same for everyone.

Different men have different needs and want different kinds of lives. Some want monogamous relationships and that's fine. Others of us don't, and that's fine, too. Neither one is more "evolved", healthy or mature than the other, just DIFFERENT.

And as far as "investing in offspring" goes, well, I call her a liar. I raised my son singlehandedly all the way to adulthood, without once ever having been monogamous.

I'm guessing she doesn't know many nonmonogamous men; perhaps only the one who once broke her heart.

She also puts down "fast" women, telling them they don't deserve a "decent" man if they don't become more "coy", to use her words. She states: "It is unrealistic for a woman to expect a relationship with a great man unless she is doing what she can to be a good human being as well." In other words, if you're not a monogamous female, then you cannot be a "good human being".

The hell with this self-righteous judgmental bile. There are no doubt hundreds of sites out there with tips on how to find a suitable partner for a long term monogamous relationship that don't put down those who want something else, that would be more useful than this Dr Laura-esque site.

Rant over. I feel better now.


Melissa said...

While I don't agree with everything she has to say, I do like her blog because of the fact that she talks about controlling men, physically abusive men, racist men, predatory men, emotionally and mentally abusive men, men that lie, men that think a woman should be their maid and so on. Glad to see that her blog inspired your writing!

Melissa said...

I forgot...she also talks about how to get out of those relationships that I mentioned above or how to look for those red flags.

Patty said...

My dictionary says a jerk is, 1. A dull stupid fatuous person. Now we all know you are not one of those.